The Guru's Discoshrine
Every day The Guru faces new challenges. Not only does he have to deal with the juvinility of both Jamie "bring me the Tekken" Atiko and Darren "jus' chillin' in me pants" Malcom, but his 'maggots' constantly bombard him with brainless trivia questions and needy pleas for help. Yes, The Guru has had a hard life and we at Discoshrine would like to bow our collective heads in honour of this great being.
  • The Guru's eyes were formed at the beginning of time from super-compressed galaxies, the rest of his body grew around them.
  • The Guru's feet, the source of his power, must never be covered or time itself will shrivel, causing all manner of irritating paradoxes.
  • The Guru's mullet is actually an extention of his brain, each strand of hair being knowledge in it's purest form.
  • In fact Intel are currently working on a CPU based around a length of The Guru's dark locks.
  • The Guru's knees are reversable, allowing him to do the funky chicken properly.
  • The Guru has no fingerprints, all that gaming will do that to you.
  • The Guru has a birth mark in the shape of Notting Hill on the more sensitive parts of the body - if you see him exposing himself in the tube station don't worry, he's just trying to find his way to work.

A Life Less Ordinary

Having been formed in the vacuum of space, some thirty thousand years ago, The Guru drifted to the gaming planet of Arcadia. Raised and trained by a prominemt government figure, Yar-El, The Guru became the greatest gamer the small planet had ever seen. Unfortunately, the Golden Sphere of Arcadia began to crumble and in an effort to save his not-yet-mature surrogate son, Yar-El sent The Guru into space with only a scabby robe, even scabbier beads and a ten-in-one Atari joystick. Some two thousand years later, halfway through his first game of Asteroids, The Guru landed on earth and immediately set about finding the local videogame store. At the dawn of human civilisation however, Game did not have many outlets, forcing The Guru to 'get some fresh air'. The following twenty-three thousand years were a dark time for The Guru, but he made the most of it by gaming on a larger scale. The Pyramids, for example are simply left overs from a game of Tetris, the hanging gardens of Babylon the result of an early form of Buckaroo and the Temple of Artemis, Lighthouse of Alexandria and Mausoleum at Halicarnassus were all constructed by The Guru to allow him to indulge in a little tomb raiding. In fact, there are few marvels of the world that are not attributable to The Guru in some way, but needless to say The Guru is happier with a controller in his hand than sixteen hundred tonnes of Babylonian sandstone.
The Guru looks pretty rough in the morning, here he's just discovered that he forgot to put the bins out last night.
Fact Box!
The Guru monitors extra terrestrial activity by just listening.
The Guru often enters the twilight zone - at dusk.
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join his club.

Maggot Ridden

Since finding a homely little lift shaft in a muggy studio in west London, The Guru has been assaulted by maggots on a daily basis, doleing out advice for a meagre pittance to fund his gaming habit. This supreme being deserves better than to be locked up with only his toenails for comfort and we at Discoshrine are endevouring to aid this super-human with the Save The Guru fund.

Here at Discoshrine, we don't give handouts, we want to allow people like The Guru to work themselves out of plight. Please donate generously to give The Guru a better life and break the vicious cycle of gaming.
If you'd like to contribute to the Save The Guru fund, email us at Discoshrine.